time to get this off my chest.

a year ago yesterday i put down a security deposit on my first apartment.  seven months later, i moved out.  the lease is up may 31st.  that apartment and the situations surrounding are one of the few things that give me severe anxiety to this day.

i moved out because i hated the area, the commute, the distance from things i actually was interested in.  i got mugged.  i lived too far from my boyfriend.  i could barely afford my 10x14 bedroom.  i wasn’t a compatible roommate with the people i was living with.  i had known kevin since i was 10, but we were never farther apart then when we lived down the hall from each other.  kevin and kyle were cleaner than me, went out more than me, resented taking care of tofu when i had to work late.  kevin stopped telling me things about his relationship, we stopped exchanging gifts on holidays, we stopped hanging out.  i constantly got the feeling that i was nuisance to them, but maybe it was all in my head.  regardless, i didn’t feel comfortable there.  so i left.  they said they would handle filling my room.  it took them two months of rejecting people from craigslist to find a friend from long island who was looking for an apartment.  she moved in.

i was happy to leave, but what stung was what came after.  i haven’t seen kyle since i moved out.  the last time i saw kevin was at a christmas party where he barely said two words to me.  the only time we’ve talked is through emails when i asked for our landlord’s phone number.  when i wasn’t part of the apartment i was entirely forgettable.  pictures on facebook showed my empty bedroom hosting hundreds of ballons and dozens of drunk teenagers, parties that i wasn’t even invited to out of courtesy.

there have been too many times when i just wanted to send kevin an email and ask how he is, but i have the feeling that he wouldn’t want to tell me.  i want to ask him about what’s going on with the deposit on the apartment, and if it was given back to him, could he mail it to me.  things a friend would do.  i just wish i didn’t have to resort to hearing about his life from his bi-monthly livejournal posts.  that is the only thing i miss about the way my life was a year ago.

and if either of those brooklyn boys are reading this, i’m sorry i was a bitch.